I just got back from Kathleen's house, where we exchanged Christmas presents, caught up, and talked about that eternal subject: boys. I got her a really cute bag by some ethnic minority or another from China (she likes 'cultural' things.. tehhee), "500 Days of Summer" and "Never Been Kissed" and she got me a pretty necklace, earrings, and a Claire's gift card to pay for me getting my ears pierced. Sigh. She's very bent on this. I don't think so though. Sorry! Even if Javi keeps telling me to as well...

But yes. Then we went and Facebook stalked lots of guys. Kathleen has HORRIBLE taste in men. Absolutely terrible. She only likes Asians, Koreans in particular. And they either look really gay or like they're really huge douchebag gangster/punks. Sigh. And she doesn't like any white guys at all. I feel like we're never going to agree. How can she not see the beauty? Then we talked about all our guy problems. Kathleen makes me laugh a lot, not in a bad way, but just because she's so idealistic, which I feel, a bunch of my friends are. I mean, I'm probably more romantic than all of them put together with my silly ideas derived from novels, but I feel like I have the right to say certain things because I've actually been in relationships. I feel like some people, Kathleen included, have all these ideals and ideas about what they think relationships are like, but they've never actually experienced one and aren't aware of some of the other aspects of it. Like for example, Kathleen, prude she is, is horrified by any talk of physical contact with a guy. I wasn't even talking about anything dirty! I was just saying how it's nice when a guy is "bigger" than you are so when you hug him, it's like he envelops you and you feel very safe. She was like, "Umm.. okay Elaine.. Moving on." And then more real, important things, like how you have to work things out all the time and sometimes, no matter how hard you try, it's just not going to work. And it's not all about "fate" and how it's "meant to be" like it's portrayed in the movies. Wow. I sound like such a cynic, which is funny, because I'm really not. But I guess I'm just worried about some of my friends because it seems like they've held love and relationships up at such a high pedestal that they're not willing to experience anything but what they see as that paragon, so that, even if they find it, they're not going to be ready for it. Kathleen complains about how all the guys she knows are too "feminine," and by feminine, she means nice, and she wants a guy to challenge her and be more dominant (like scary Korean punk guy..), and then accuses me of liking feminine guys.. I don't know about that, dearie. I think you should try it with dominant, challenging guy first. I hope he's not a douche.

Belated Merry Christmas, blog!! Wow. I'm talking to my blog now. This must be a low point. I've had a very productive day... in that I've wrapped two belated Christmas presents, read the entirety of "The Merchant of Venice" and finished the first season of "Glee." Yay! I'm so excited! I get to see everyone tomorrow! Well, obviously, not everyone, but we're having a tea party at Jen's house!! I'm bringing cookies and candy canes, and I'm picking Shayne up. I'm so excited I can barely sit still. And then later tomorrow, I will hopefully meet up with Kathleen to catch up and exchange presents, and then Tuesday... I'm going to somehow talk my dad into letting me drive out to Temecula to see Elsa before she goes back to Tennessee. I mean, given that I've done nothing but sit around since I got back on Thursday, I feel like I should be allowed to go out. It's kind of not fair that all these UC kids leave right after New Year's... I'm here for the rest of January. What am I supposed to do without all of you?! So many people to see! So little time! (Mostly too much parental control. This is why I wish I could move all my friends to college sometimes, but even there I don't have enough time. Ahh!! Why is life such a battle against the clock?)

It's weird to think that the next time I'll see all the Amherst kids is in 2010. That's such a frightening number, marking the end of the first decade where I was truly conscious of myself and my surroundings, where I can remember the major things that occurred and where I, supposedly, grew up. I'm sure I'll be doing New Year's Resolutions and a summary of my year soon, but I'm feeling slightly reflective at the moment. Being a student makes you think of time so differently, in that your year runs August/September-May instead of by the calendar. I think of this year as the past four months, but obviously it wasn't. These past four months have been amazing. I have never felt more at home anywhere than my current life at Amherst. Obviously there are things that I don't like about it, that could be better, like having more time, seeing Shannon more, and the newspaper running more smoothly, but I come home to Newport and I feel like I'm home. I hug Florian and eat chocolate and rant about my life and everything fits. It's all just so comfortable. We joke about being a family all the time, with Florian and Javi as the gay parents who've adopted Camille, Shannon, and me, but I sometimes actually get that feeling. Not that they're my parents and stuff, but that close-knit connection. It makes me smile when I think of those nights when I'll be working/discussing Shakespeare with Florian and Javi just comes behind me and starts brushing my hair, or when we're all sitting/lying on Florian's bed and the two of them start stroking my hair or Javi and I pet Florian (le chat). Yes. We are very strange, and I am such a fag hag.

Anyway, this year (and haha again I'm colluding year with semester) is the first time I've really felt like I'm growing up. Or, not necessarily growing up, but that I've consciously noticed growth, in whichever direction you want to call it. I've been through two relationships, both failed and yet so completely different that they've taught me so much about myself and both my strengths and weaknesses, and I feel, directly contributed to my decision about a potential third relationship. Even though that decision hurt both me and the other party involved a great deal, I feel like I am a better person for it. Maybe not happier in the short-term sense of the word, but a much less selfish and more mature person. I've also come to terms with myself more and have better self-esteem and know what I want and what I'm willing to put up with more, though I still have difficulties really standing up for what I want. I'm sure this sounds really funny, as I'm one of the most direct, loud people there are, but I really am afraid of conflict and confrontations (unless I'm in one of those REALLY angry, ridiculous moods). I can't actually express my anger or discontent at people very effectively, which is a problem both in my personal life and professional, especially newspaper. I knew exactly what was wrong with both of my relationships and I could tell everyone and their mother about it, but I couldn't tell it to the person that I was having the problem with, or even when I tried, couldn't stand my ground enough to not have them walk all over me and think that I was wrong even when I clearly wasn't. I also need to learn on breaking up with people better, or be willing to do so instead of either avoiding the issue or hoping it'll get better magically when it clearly won't and I wouldn't even want it to in the first place. And it doesn't matter how much someone likes you and how great of friends you are, if you don't feel that way about them, you shouldn't mess with them or yourself.

I've also started running a newspaper by myself, which has been one of the most challenging and stressful things in my life. It hasn't gone nearly as smoothly as I can hope; frankly, it's been kind of a disaster zone, but I've got lots of things to work on and hope to improve, like keeping one of my staff members and finding another replacement. Bah. But I promised I wouldn't think about this until the new year, and I won't. But it's been a really interesting experience. High stress, and as I keep telling myself, high reward.

Other things I've done this year... spent more than $100 at the mall in one day, owned heels (three pairs of four inch ones, at that), worn heels on a semi-regular basis, owned a makeup kit (haven't used it yet... it was a Christmas present), sung in a choir, had a roommate (and loved it), cooked for people... I need to look back and see what else I've done. All these things are within the past month or two.

2010 is going to be a very momentous year, I'm sure. I'll have to decide my major. I'll be halfway done with my college career, which is terrifying. I'll have to decide where I'm studying abroad, which will probably cause a conflict with the parental unit and dictate a lot of what I'm going to do later. I'll have to say goodbye to one of the best friends I've ever made, the person who understands me better than almost anyone in the shortest period of time ever. I'll complete my tenure as editor-in-chief, hopefully still alive and with the newspaper still in one piece. I'll hopefully do an internship. And I'm sure there's much more. I can't wait to see. :)

Tim Clark is here asking Florian for French help, and Florian and I became embroiled in our classic Dickinson v. Keats battle (monkey sounds included). I then decided to ask Tim his opinion. Florian took a pen and held it to Tim's throat. Tim took one quick glance at it and then looked at me, "He has a sharp object at my throat."
I took one look at him, smiled beatifically but menacingly, and said slowly, "Tim. I don't need a sharp object."

:D

Sigh. MORE DRAMA. DRAMA EVERYWHERE! Just before finals, too! The early afternoon wasn't bad though. I rehearsed with Robert and then went to Amherst Books and Starbucks with Robert, who is awesome. He's the only sane one left. I didn't think I would ever say that. I made him promise he wouldn't declare his love for Camille or something tomorrow. He responded:
"If someone walks into my room and is like, 'Robert, I have a confession,' I don't care WHAT their confession is. It could be about their socks or something, I would just tell them to get the f*** out. OUT!! OUT!!! And then I would transfer schools."

I spent the afternoon memorizing "Je t'ecris" by Gregory Lemarchal for French poetry night tomorrow for French 1! Hopefully it'll turn out well... I need to practice more. I'm going to be singing Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday this week. Monday for French, Tuesday for Robert's composition class, and Wednesday for the music department recital. Goodness.

I feel like I make poor life decisions. I turn down perfectly nice boys that mean the world to me, always make me smile, and would never hurt me, and unabashedly throw myself at mean boys, jerks who have hurt me before, who I know won't treat me well, but are just so irresistible anyway. Bah. Silly Elaine. And then once I turn someone down, I miss them. I need my head checked.

I'm currently sitting by the fireplace, the warm fire blazing, Javier sketching, the Christmas tree alight, one of my favorite band's music in my ear. It's very lovely, but I'm very sad. I had to turn down one of my friends today. After hesitating about it for many days and leaving the poor guy hanging, I decided no because it really wouldn't be fair to him. He, and everyone else in the world, deserves someone who wants to be with him just as much as he wants to be with her, and I can't be that for him. At the very least, not now. I really, really care about him. He's one of my closest friends, but I guess it just wouldn't work out in a romantic sense. It makes me question if girls and boys really can be purely platonic friends, whether or not there's always something in the back of the mind questioning, wondering what was possible. I've always felt so comfortable, so safe, with him, and it makes me so sad now. I hope things can go back to the way they were. I wished I could be with him. I really did. I hated myself for being the type of girl that wouldn't be content, for not being that girl for him. I wanted to be. He would be the sweetest thing, but it just can't be. I think of all the things that then must go into two people really finding each other, really connecting in that way in that they're "meant" to be together. It's really more difficult than I could ever have imagined. So many things have to fit that it really is quite a miracle. Someone likes someone more than they like them back. Someone had rough breakup and doesn't want a relationship at the moment. Someone would have dated you last year, but has since decided otherwise, etc. It's like every relationship is this mosaic of a million different pieces, and all of them have to fit perfectly together to make it work. It's so rare, but it's so beautiful when it happens.

I sang for three and a half hours straight today. My voice is feeling kind of raw. First Robert's rehearsal for his final piece for composition class, and then Joseph's senior thesis rehearsal. Robert's piece is beautiful... it's set to a beautiful ee cummings (I'm not capitalizing for obvious reasons) poem, which is saying something because I don't even like him. And Robert is a musical genius. And a genius in general. I'm so honored to be singing in it. One day, he'll have real sopranos singing for him, but now, I guess I'll suffice. I had about 25 minutes between the two rehearsals, so I decided to just sit and read while Robert played around on the piano. When I play around on the piano, I play random snippets of songs I've learned or make up random chords. When Robert plays around on the piano, having never been trained in piano, he creates the most luminous pieces ever. It's like magic emerges from his fingertips. He started making something up, and I was just like, "I see a gray, rainy day in England, with a girl walking down the sidewalk with a big yellow umbrella." And that was exactly what he saw, except he saw a blonde girl instead of a yellow umbrella. It was amazing. So much talent.

I'm currently sitting on Florian's bed watching "The Trojan Women" for class. It's very dramatic. The play made me very sad earlier today in Starbucks. I know. Watching a movie for class on a Saturday night. But I'm basically going to be gone all day tomorrow for Vespers. Call time is at 2:45 pm and there's one show at 4 and another at 7:30, which basically means that I'll be sitting there or singing for seven hours. Lovely.

Last night, we celebrated Ricky's birthday in Porter, which was really fun. It was a good mix of people, I think. They had their alcohol, but there were enough sub-free people there that it balanced it out and no one felt left out. And everyone knew and liked each other already, but there were a lot of people that I don't usually see. It was pretty hysterical when there were the "male songs" and the "girls' songs." For example, all the guys went crazy when "I'm On a Boat" came on, and all the girls sang along to Lady Gaga and Britney Spears. The Northie boys, with a few additions, such as Walter and Alec, went crazy, randomly doing pushups with claps, and jumping up and down and dancing to techno. Jorge also went a little crazy (or maybe just tipsy) and decided that he wanted to let loose and dance dirty, but couldn't find anyone to dance with him. So he essentially tried to get me to freak with him, which was pretty hilarious and scary. Apparently, we scarred a lot of people. I couldn't really dance with him though! I can't be the "guy" in that situation! But it was nice to go kind of crazy and let loose for once, so I got a lot of that out of my system for a while.

Today was kind of a strange day though. I got up kind of early to go decorate Johnson Chapel for Vespers, but by the time I got there, there were basically done, and so I went to lunch with Florian. Afterwards, we went to Starbucks to do homework until rehearsal time for Joseph's thesis. It was our first rehearsal with the boys! It was lovely to hear the whole piece like it was supposed to sound, and of course, always lovely to sing with boys! But then afterwards, I was supposed to go hang out with Shannon, whom I haven't really talked to for too long. We had texted earlier in the day to plan something, and we had agreed that I was going to visit after rehearsal, but when I got there, she was leaving to go out to eat with Karlin, Tim's friend. I mean, I don't mind at all, and they invited me, but I didn't go because it wasn't like they'd invited me beforehand and it was more like they had to to seem polite. I'm sure they wouldn't have minded, but still. I felt awkward. And I didn't have that much money. But it was just a little sad because I hadn't seen her in a while and really wanted to sit down and have a nice chat, but then she left. Sigh. Bah. Busy schedules and the tide of life.

Part of my French grade is reciting a poem or singing a song in French at our Cabaret! I'm excited. I just wrote my professor to ask her if I could sing "Je t'ecris" by Gregory Lemarchal, one of my favourite songs. We shall see. I'm also going to fail logic. Oh well.

Oh. I almost forgot! Today was the first snow!! It was beautiful, and the flakes were huge. Maybe tomorrow we shall awaken to a winter wonderland. :)