Belated Merry Christmas, blog!! Wow. I'm talking to my blog now. This must be a low point. I've had a very productive day... in that I've wrapped two belated Christmas presents, read the entirety of "The Merchant of Venice" and finished the first season of "Glee." Yay! I'm so excited! I get to see everyone tomorrow! Well, obviously, not everyone, but we're having a tea party at Jen's house!! I'm bringing cookies and candy canes, and I'm picking Shayne up. I'm so excited I can barely sit still. And then later tomorrow, I will hopefully meet up with Kathleen to catch up and exchange presents, and then Tuesday... I'm going to somehow talk my dad into letting me drive out to Temecula to see Elsa before she goes back to Tennessee. I mean, given that I've done nothing but sit around since I got back on Thursday, I feel like I should be allowed to go out. It's kind of not fair that all these UC kids leave right after New Year's... I'm here for the rest of January. What am I supposed to do without all of you?! So many people to see! So little time! (Mostly too much parental control. This is why I wish I could move all my friends to college sometimes, but even there I don't have enough time. Ahh!! Why is life such a battle against the clock?)

It's weird to think that the next time I'll see all the Amherst kids is in 2010. That's such a frightening number, marking the end of the first decade where I was truly conscious of myself and my surroundings, where I can remember the major things that occurred and where I, supposedly, grew up. I'm sure I'll be doing New Year's Resolutions and a summary of my year soon, but I'm feeling slightly reflective at the moment. Being a student makes you think of time so differently, in that your year runs August/September-May instead of by the calendar. I think of this year as the past four months, but obviously it wasn't. These past four months have been amazing. I have never felt more at home anywhere than my current life at Amherst. Obviously there are things that I don't like about it, that could be better, like having more time, seeing Shannon more, and the newspaper running more smoothly, but I come home to Newport and I feel like I'm home. I hug Florian and eat chocolate and rant about my life and everything fits. It's all just so comfortable. We joke about being a family all the time, with Florian and Javi as the gay parents who've adopted Camille, Shannon, and me, but I sometimes actually get that feeling. Not that they're my parents and stuff, but that close-knit connection. It makes me smile when I think of those nights when I'll be working/discussing Shakespeare with Florian and Javi just comes behind me and starts brushing my hair, or when we're all sitting/lying on Florian's bed and the two of them start stroking my hair or Javi and I pet Florian (le chat). Yes. We are very strange, and I am such a fag hag.

Anyway, this year (and haha again I'm colluding year with semester) is the first time I've really felt like I'm growing up. Or, not necessarily growing up, but that I've consciously noticed growth, in whichever direction you want to call it. I've been through two relationships, both failed and yet so completely different that they've taught me so much about myself and both my strengths and weaknesses, and I feel, directly contributed to my decision about a potential third relationship. Even though that decision hurt both me and the other party involved a great deal, I feel like I am a better person for it. Maybe not happier in the short-term sense of the word, but a much less selfish and more mature person. I've also come to terms with myself more and have better self-esteem and know what I want and what I'm willing to put up with more, though I still have difficulties really standing up for what I want. I'm sure this sounds really funny, as I'm one of the most direct, loud people there are, but I really am afraid of conflict and confrontations (unless I'm in one of those REALLY angry, ridiculous moods). I can't actually express my anger or discontent at people very effectively, which is a problem both in my personal life and professional, especially newspaper. I knew exactly what was wrong with both of my relationships and I could tell everyone and their mother about it, but I couldn't tell it to the person that I was having the problem with, or even when I tried, couldn't stand my ground enough to not have them walk all over me and think that I was wrong even when I clearly wasn't. I also need to learn on breaking up with people better, or be willing to do so instead of either avoiding the issue or hoping it'll get better magically when it clearly won't and I wouldn't even want it to in the first place. And it doesn't matter how much someone likes you and how great of friends you are, if you don't feel that way about them, you shouldn't mess with them or yourself.

I've also started running a newspaper by myself, which has been one of the most challenging and stressful things in my life. It hasn't gone nearly as smoothly as I can hope; frankly, it's been kind of a disaster zone, but I've got lots of things to work on and hope to improve, like keeping one of my staff members and finding another replacement. Bah. But I promised I wouldn't think about this until the new year, and I won't. But it's been a really interesting experience. High stress, and as I keep telling myself, high reward.

Other things I've done this year... spent more than $100 at the mall in one day, owned heels (three pairs of four inch ones, at that), worn heels on a semi-regular basis, owned a makeup kit (haven't used it yet... it was a Christmas present), sung in a choir, had a roommate (and loved it), cooked for people... I need to look back and see what else I've done. All these things are within the past month or two.

2010 is going to be a very momentous year, I'm sure. I'll have to decide my major. I'll be halfway done with my college career, which is terrifying. I'll have to decide where I'm studying abroad, which will probably cause a conflict with the parental unit and dictate a lot of what I'm going to do later. I'll have to say goodbye to one of the best friends I've ever made, the person who understands me better than almost anyone in the shortest period of time ever. I'll complete my tenure as editor-in-chief, hopefully still alive and with the newspaper still in one piece. I'll hopefully do an internship. And I'm sure there's much more. I can't wait to see. :)