I am sick. Blech. Ew. It's the first time I've been sick away from home, and I miss my daddy. :( He just called me though and is convinced I'm dying of swine flu, which is pretty hilarious. But yes. I miss my daddy making me food and making me drink tons of water and reading to me while I lay in bed. Hmph.

WOW it's been a long time since I posted. Bad Elaine!!

I finally got my package from home today containing my long-awaited contacts. However, my dad had asked me before sending it, "Do you want all of them or just half? It's a year's prescription, but you'll be back before then anyway." It made sense, so I agreed. When I received it though, I realized that "half" to my dad meant... all the lenses for the right eye. Boo!!!

We celebrated Chinese New Year yesterday with lots of Chinese food followed by chocolate fondue. It was amazing. I ate too much food. Way too much. I made noodles with tomato and eggs, cucumber salad, and string beans. I was kind of miffed the night before when I called my family, from California to China, and everyone was having a great time celebrating. My dad was hanging out with Kathleen and I wasn't. My grandma sent me tons of pictures of them celebrating. My mom and the six other people I talked to at her party (all family members) all described exactly what they were eating in gross detail. But on Sunday, my wonderful friends made up for it.

In class today, Professor Rosbottom compared Montaigne to "Twilight." It was terrifying.

I both love and hate going to the optometrist's. I love that feeling when you come out of the optometrist's office (in Costco, in my case) with that new pair of contacts on and everything that entire day looks so much clearer, brighter, and cleaner. The red sign for poultry is that much redder, the white letters gleaming clearly from a distance, inviting you to drink them in with your corrected eyes. When you're driving at night, all the lights are brighter, you can see all the store signs from a distance, green, orange, red, yellow all mixing together in their neon glow. It's what I always imagined being in love in the movie sense would be like, those montages where the protagonist goes through life with a silly grin on his face accompanied by a pop song, where everything looks fresh and happy.

But at the same time, it's very depressing. It means that my eyes got worse, again. And this time, a lot worse in both eyes. When will it stop? I always wondered if you end up becoming so near-sighted you go blind. But even more than that, at some point, completely unconsciously, things stop being so clear. I don't even think that it's you get used to it, but your eyes decline, unknowingly and unwillingly, and the world goes back to that shade of grey and you lose the vibrancy of that first moment. I can't quite decide what is more tragic, in my melodramatic mind: losing vibrancy through habit.. it's so colourful and beautiful that it's no longer so, or that inevitable decline causes everything to fade.

Mist and shadow
Cloud and shade
All shall fade
All shall fade

On a happier note, I finally hung out with Sarah yesterday!!! We met at Vicki's apartment in Orange, which is really nice actually, very new and large, with fountains and a pool. Not at all sketchy like I imagined! Vicki and I were waiting in her room when Sarah got there. We turned of all the lights in Vicki's room because we assumed there would be light in the kitchen once we opened the door since her roommate had been cooking with a friend. We opened the door and everything was dark! I thought we were going to be murdered or some other very sketchy thing was occurring, especially because someone screamed right when we opened the door. Given all the stories I've heard about Vicki's roommates, any number of possibilities ran through my mind in that instant. But it, fortunately, was rather innocent. Sasha, another roommate, was coming back, and they were waiting to surprise her.

Anyway, we met Sarah, who is awesome as usual, and they elected that I drive them down to the Block. I don't know why they picked me, the only one out of the three who doesn't know her way around that area at all, but we made it relatively intact. We decided to eat at Johnny Rocket's, which is across from this furniture store, which, for some inexplicable reason, excited Sarah to such a degree that only me looking at something French can rival.
"Can we PLEASE go sit on the couches? PLEASE? All that leather.. ooo"
So strange... Anyway, we ignored her requests (with much hysterical, incapacitating laughter in the 10 feet it took to walk to Johnny Rocket's) and went into the restaurant, where we sank, literally, into the booth seats. Sarah and I were on one side, and she went in first and decided to stop like... halfway through the seat and sit down, leaving me barely enough room so that we were pressed together like sardines. About 20 minutes later, she finally said, "Wait. Why am I so close to you? What the heck?"
"I DON'T KNOW, SARAH. I'm FALLING OFF here! I kept wondering why you kept wanting our legs to touch."
As I predicted, they spent most of the period making fun of me together, though Vicki was also viciously mean to Sarah (as she is to everyone). I think it surprised Sarah a bit. Mwahaha. Everyone always thinks Vicki is so nice. I don't know why. And then they see the real side! That I'M the nice one. Hmph! For example, as we we were walking around afterwards, I did something stupid, as usual... one of the innumerable stupid things I did yesterday.. might have been tripping or running into something, and Vicki said, "Wow. And you're supposed to be the smartest one out of the three of us."
"HEY!!" Sarah protested. (I don't know why she would.. hehe just kidding)
Vicki took one glance at her and immediately declared, "And I'm the second smartest."

We all had milkshakes (oreo, strawberry, and chocolate, to be exact).. I wasn't going to have one and then they both got one and I had to give in to temptation. Peer pressure, I tell you! Sarah dug a nickel out of her wallet to put in the jukebox because she wanted to hear "Brown-Eyed Girl." It was a very classic moment when she tried to stick the nickel in some random indent in the back of the machine and was like, "Does it go in here??"
Simultaneously, Vicki and I said, "Umm... I think it goes here, you know, where it says: INSERT HERE."
"OHHHHH... teheheh"
I love Sarah. Probably because she's the only one who makes me feel smart when I do stupid things. :p Just kidding! There are other reasons as well!

Anyway, we wandered about the Block after eating, like this one really weird store across from Johnny Rocket's right in my line of sight. I spent every spare moment in the first half of our conversation staring at it, trying to figure out what it's name was. Then when I asked them, we spent another five minute discussing possibilities. Finally, we decided that we were going to go ask them. And so we did, except when we were in front of the store, it was completely open. Clothes in a white room with no one tending to them. I was so confused. I wanted to go in and check, but Sarah and Vicki apparently thought this was sketchy and decided that the store was named "LA HOT" which is the worst name ever, btw. I still want to know. Whatever. We also went to Forever 21, where I realized that most of the things I wear came from there, surprisingly enough, Windsor, where I haven't gone since prom, and NOT Victoria's Secret, where my mom had made me spend 30 minutes the previous day.

Finally, we parted ways and Sarah and I made our way towards the skating rink. And when I say "made our way," I mean got significantly lost, looked for a bank, made lots of U-turns, almost ran into curbs, randomly stopped on driveways, blocked other cars, etc. I am NOT a bad driver unless Sarah is in the car. I swear! It's horrible!!! We finally found the Wells Fargo, where Sarah went to the ATM and I went to turn the car around... we were both laughing uncontrollably at this point at my horrible driving (ONLY WHEN SHE'S AROUND). We eventually got to the skating rink (after distress calls to Sarah's mom), which was very empty since it was Wednesday, but still really fun. Okay. Roller skating is very different from roller blading, and a LOT harder. We were barely out on the rink when Sarah fell flat on her stomach. It was pretty hilarious (once I ascertained she was okay). It's also a bad idea to try and help people on roller skates because both people usually end up on the ground. After she fell, Sarah kept saying, "Now you need to fall so that the equilibrium of the world is restored." I didn't fall for a while, so at one point, she said, "Okay. You need to fall already. Or I'm going to push you." That's terrible! But then when I did almost fall, she saved me, so we can still be friends. :) But I did end up falling... six times. And she never fell again. IN my defense, SHE was too cowardly to do the backwards skating round, which made me fall three times while she stood on the side and laughed. The last one really hurt, so I just sat there on the rink and chilled for a while. There was this REALLY intense lady who was really tall and huge, had a kneepads, shoulder pads, a helmet and a mouthguard. It was really scary. During one of the games where you had to get to the paper plate on the ground before the other person, she'd already fallen and was far away, and so the other lady, who wasn't as into it, took her time, and she CRAWLED and POUNCED on it right at the lady's feet. Geez. I'd hate to be against her in a game that actually matters. And when Sarah smiled at her at one point, she kind of made this growling noise. *shudder*

Anyway, we skated for the two hours it was open to all sorts of music. The highlights, in my opinion, which I'm sure Sarah would disagree with in her "infinitely" better taste, were: "Thriller," the two Lady Gaga songs (I really hate Javi and Florian for making me a fan...), and... my personal favourite at the moment "Fireflies" by Owl City. :)

Talking with Sarah was the only time I wished I'd gone to a big university with a great newspaper. She's on the Daily Cal and is doing really well, which is a huge paper. A daily, obviously, but it's both the school paper and the city paper, and they cover all sorts of things, like city news and everything and she's been to press conferences with CNN journalists. And her junior year, she's hoping to get into this UC/DC program, which sends Berkeley journalists to Washington DC for a year as interns for CNN or NPR. Opportunities like that are amazing. I've applied to the LA Times and NPR for the summer and don't even know if I'll even hear back from them at all. I know that Amherst is amazing educationally and I obviously don't regret my decision to go there, especially since I told myself I wanted a solid, broad liberal arts education without specifying in anything like journalism first just so that I could do anything I wanted and wasn't stuck in journalism, like I would have been had I gone to Northwestern (which is guaranteed positions at the NY Times every year, for goodness' sakes...), but when I'm having issues just keeping my staff together to print a weekly that has to beg people to write second-rate articles half the time, I really start to second guess myself for just a second. But no. I love Amherst. Journalism will follow, if it will happen at all. But sigh. The Oracle was a great, nationally award-winning paper. The Student... I just hope that it'll print every week. And that we have enough money to stay afloat... I just got a bunch of bills. But that's not important. Anyway.

This break has made me really appreciate cars, for some reason. I never *liked* driving before. I never minded it of course, but I never physically thought about liking it. But last night, speeding down the 57 singing along to Lady Gaga and Taylor Swift, I really wished I had a car at Amherst. Not that I really go anywhere or have the time to, but I feel like it severely limits me (and my friends) to all the shenanigans and adventures we could have. I realized that other than a few times with Walter, who, incidentally, has a car, I never left Amherst town this year. I never even got on the bus, except for once to see Cirque du Soleil at UMass. I haven't even gone to Northampton this year. If I had a car, or if one of us had a car, we could take day trips to Boston, even, or just go exploring around New England--the immediate area or beyond. After a year and a half at Amherst, I realized I've never really seen New England beyond Amherst. This must change, somehow. I need to become close friends with someone with a car. Now. Haha.

I'm currently very pissed at my mother, so I am going to do this as a distraction.

Three names I go by:
1. Elaine
2. Super Sketchy Creeper Fo-Sho
3. Eye in the Sky

Three Jobs I have had in my life
1. Research assistant
2. Emily Dickinson Museum assistant
3. Overworked, unpaid, severely stressed, chronically insane editor-in-chief of The Amherst Student

Three Places I have lived
1. Amherst, MA
2. Chino Hills, CA
3. Los Angeles, CA (I don't remember this at all..)

Three Favorite drinks
1. Java chip frappachino
2. Boba
3. Iced tea

Three TV Shows that I watch
1. The Office
2. Glee
3. I don't watch TV... umm.. Hey Arnold!

Three places I have been in the US
1. Chicago
2. Minneapolis
3. Boston

People that text me regularly
1. Ethan
2. Shannon
3. Florian

Three of my favorite foods
1. Various Chinese noodles
2. Boneless Buffalo Wings at Chili's
3. Pasta

Three Things I am looking forward to
1. Going back to Amherst (it's bittersweet)
2. Shayne visiting Amherst!
3. Skiing with Kathleen this weekend

Three of my favorite clothing items
(Err.. I don't think about these things often..)
1. My black tanktop
2. White polo
3. Comfy jeans

Three places I would like to go
1. All of Europe (I know.. I'm cheating, but it's true. In particular, France, Spain, England, Russia, Germany, Italy, Norway, Switzerland, Belgium, Belarus, Romania, etc... in that order.)
2. New Zealand
3. Turkey (Thanks to my Middle Eastern history class)

Three things that will make me cry
1. A sad ending in a film or book (usually when one of the people in the love story dies..)
2. Disillusionment
3. Boys

Three things that will make me angry
1. My mother
2. When people aren't as committed as I am/think they should be
3. When people are mean to my friends

Three "perfect dates"
(This is hard... I haven't really thought about this...)
1. Wandering about and exploring the cobblestone streets of a European city
2. Watching the sunset on the beach
3. Outdoor ice skating in the winter
(Aww... now I'm imagining these things and allowing my ideals to carry me away from the depressingly prospect-less reality... haha)

Three of my favorite restaurants
1. Sichuan restaurant in Rowland Heights
2. Chili's
3. Bertucci's at Amherst

Goals for the rest of break:

-Play piano at least once every other day.
-Apply to the NPR internship.
-Figure out the newspaper website redesign.
-Sort out newspaper issues.
-Do Chinese with dad.
-Visit UCLA.
-Hang out with Andy, Sarah, Kathleen, Connie, Vicki (at least... if I'm forgetting anyone, sorry!)
-Write something about Mongolia/China and all that.
-Watch movie list.
-Read the following:
"Othello"
"Antony and Cleopatra"
"King Lear"
"The Collected Poems of Rimbaud"
"The Collected Poems of A.E. Housman" (almost done)
"Paradise Lost"

Okay. You can do this. Suddenly, there's so much to do!

During my long philosophical rant, I forgot to make resolutions!! Not that I ever stick to them or anything, but it's fun to at least make them and then compare them afterwards...

-Go to the gym. Yes, yes. I know... everyone and their mother has this resolution. But really.
-Take Florian up on his offer to go to France and have the time of my life. (This is more of a year goal.)
-Decide on a major.
-Stick with French no matter what the parental unit says.
-Stay in touch with friends better.
-Do Chinese with Dad more.
-Drink less Starbucks.
-Dress better. I mean, you're only young once. Take advantage of it.
-Don't be interested in someone just because they might be interested in you.
-Memorize some Shakespearean passages, Romantic poetry, etc.
-Steer the newspaper through without further disaster.
-Don't be afraid of confrontation, whether its newspaper decisions or break-ups.

Well, those are just preliminary. We'll see how it goes!

My first blog post of 2010. How strange. How long have I been blogging, anyway? I'm currently trapped at Lake Arrowhead. Not that I don't like being here--it's actually very restful.. I sat on the balcony and read in the sunshine for most of the afternoon today, but there's an Asian party going on and I can't go because no one trusts me to drive myself down.

Six hours after first starting this blog post, I reflect upon a pretty enjoyable night. My mom and I found this video store where DVDs are only a dollar!! So amazing! We rented "The Illusionist" and "La Vie En Rose" and watched "The Illusionist" tonight, which I thoroughly enjoyed. Love Edward Norton. Now I'm lying in bed with the last part of "The Patriot" on while blogging.

We welcomed in the new decade last night with relatively little fanfare. My mom's side of the family were all over here, but my uncle was too drunk by that time and everyone else too tired. My cousin Hetty and I watched the NYC countdown and then I was tormented all night by her incessant diagonal movement and kicking and all that. Children and their terrible sleeping habits, says the person who wakes up with her head where her feet were when she went to bed.

I don't want to get all philosophical, but this decade really frightens me. Someone my age's Facebook status today was something like: "New decade plans: 1) marry a tall, dark, and handsome man 2) make babies 3) be happy" or something like that. THAT IS NOT OKAY! Because it's TRUE! I mean not necessarily, but seriously, this is the decade in which people my age are supposed to find their life partner, settle down, have babies, and become middle-aged. This is supposed to be the best decade of one's life, but also the scariest, and if you buy into Sam Mendes' view of suburban life, the decade of disillusionment. It's the time when we bury our dreams, dismissed as youthful, fanciful, impossible, and submit to the abject reality of practicality.

Okay. Maybe I'm being overdramatic and overly pessimistic, but it's so frightening. This is the first decade of my life that I've remembered basically everything. I remember when it was 2000 and everyone was going on about Y2K and the end of the world. I spent New Year's then at Lauren's house, with Kathleen, Lauren, Erin, Philip, and everyone, and Philip kept talking about how the world was going to end, so at the countdown, we were sitting on Lauren's bed and we buried our heads in our arms waiting for the world to explode. I didn't get to spend the 2009-2010 new year with them again (even though I was supposed to at the Asian party today), but it's still the marker of a decade in which I've grown (up or down or sideways irrelevant), enjoyed, hated, and remembered. I went through four schools in that decade, four boyfriends, living in two different states, going to Europe three times, meeting dozens of wonderful people that I hope to be friends with for a long time yet, lots of different interests, etc. Though I definitely don't see her nearly enough, I'm still the best of friends with Kathleen, something I'm infinitely grateful for, and I think I met all my other friends in this decade. All these wonderful things happened in this decade, some in very short periods of time, such as my friendship with Florian. I know I shouldn't be afraid of what's coming, but it just seems like that out of all the decades in a person's life, this is the decisive one, the one that sets up the rest of your life. I can do this. Breathe, Elaine. I can do this. Just because you're getting old doesn't mean you can't do it in style. I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life, but that doesn't matter. I'll figure it out. I hope. And I will meet my perfect European man (who plays the violin and sings and speaks lots of different languages), or whoever it is that I'm going to end up with, and it'll all be okay. And it's okay not to "settle" or what not. Don't listen to my mother who keeps thinking that there's going to be no one left if I don't hurry up and settle down or something. Ridiculous woman.

So I don't know if it's happy new year necessarily, but nonetheless, I'm sure I will be happy during it. And it will all work out.

I just got back from Kathleen's house, where we exchanged Christmas presents, caught up, and talked about that eternal subject: boys. I got her a really cute bag by some ethnic minority or another from China (she likes 'cultural' things.. tehhee), "500 Days of Summer" and "Never Been Kissed" and she got me a pretty necklace, earrings, and a Claire's gift card to pay for me getting my ears pierced. Sigh. She's very bent on this. I don't think so though. Sorry! Even if Javi keeps telling me to as well...

But yes. Then we went and Facebook stalked lots of guys. Kathleen has HORRIBLE taste in men. Absolutely terrible. She only likes Asians, Koreans in particular. And they either look really gay or like they're really huge douchebag gangster/punks. Sigh. And she doesn't like any white guys at all. I feel like we're never going to agree. How can she not see the beauty? Then we talked about all our guy problems. Kathleen makes me laugh a lot, not in a bad way, but just because she's so idealistic, which I feel, a bunch of my friends are. I mean, I'm probably more romantic than all of them put together with my silly ideas derived from novels, but I feel like I have the right to say certain things because I've actually been in relationships. I feel like some people, Kathleen included, have all these ideals and ideas about what they think relationships are like, but they've never actually experienced one and aren't aware of some of the other aspects of it. Like for example, Kathleen, prude she is, is horrified by any talk of physical contact with a guy. I wasn't even talking about anything dirty! I was just saying how it's nice when a guy is "bigger" than you are so when you hug him, it's like he envelops you and you feel very safe. She was like, "Umm.. okay Elaine.. Moving on." And then more real, important things, like how you have to work things out all the time and sometimes, no matter how hard you try, it's just not going to work. And it's not all about "fate" and how it's "meant to be" like it's portrayed in the movies. Wow. I sound like such a cynic, which is funny, because I'm really not. But I guess I'm just worried about some of my friends because it seems like they've held love and relationships up at such a high pedestal that they're not willing to experience anything but what they see as that paragon, so that, even if they find it, they're not going to be ready for it. Kathleen complains about how all the guys she knows are too "feminine," and by feminine, she means nice, and she wants a guy to challenge her and be more dominant (like scary Korean punk guy..), and then accuses me of liking feminine guys.. I don't know about that, dearie. I think you should try it with dominant, challenging guy first. I hope he's not a douche.

Belated Merry Christmas, blog!! Wow. I'm talking to my blog now. This must be a low point. I've had a very productive day... in that I've wrapped two belated Christmas presents, read the entirety of "The Merchant of Venice" and finished the first season of "Glee." Yay! I'm so excited! I get to see everyone tomorrow! Well, obviously, not everyone, but we're having a tea party at Jen's house!! I'm bringing cookies and candy canes, and I'm picking Shayne up. I'm so excited I can barely sit still. And then later tomorrow, I will hopefully meet up with Kathleen to catch up and exchange presents, and then Tuesday... I'm going to somehow talk my dad into letting me drive out to Temecula to see Elsa before she goes back to Tennessee. I mean, given that I've done nothing but sit around since I got back on Thursday, I feel like I should be allowed to go out. It's kind of not fair that all these UC kids leave right after New Year's... I'm here for the rest of January. What am I supposed to do without all of you?! So many people to see! So little time! (Mostly too much parental control. This is why I wish I could move all my friends to college sometimes, but even there I don't have enough time. Ahh!! Why is life such a battle against the clock?)

It's weird to think that the next time I'll see all the Amherst kids is in 2010. That's such a frightening number, marking the end of the first decade where I was truly conscious of myself and my surroundings, where I can remember the major things that occurred and where I, supposedly, grew up. I'm sure I'll be doing New Year's Resolutions and a summary of my year soon, but I'm feeling slightly reflective at the moment. Being a student makes you think of time so differently, in that your year runs August/September-May instead of by the calendar. I think of this year as the past four months, but obviously it wasn't. These past four months have been amazing. I have never felt more at home anywhere than my current life at Amherst. Obviously there are things that I don't like about it, that could be better, like having more time, seeing Shannon more, and the newspaper running more smoothly, but I come home to Newport and I feel like I'm home. I hug Florian and eat chocolate and rant about my life and everything fits. It's all just so comfortable. We joke about being a family all the time, with Florian and Javi as the gay parents who've adopted Camille, Shannon, and me, but I sometimes actually get that feeling. Not that they're my parents and stuff, but that close-knit connection. It makes me smile when I think of those nights when I'll be working/discussing Shakespeare with Florian and Javi just comes behind me and starts brushing my hair, or when we're all sitting/lying on Florian's bed and the two of them start stroking my hair or Javi and I pet Florian (le chat). Yes. We are very strange, and I am such a fag hag.

Anyway, this year (and haha again I'm colluding year with semester) is the first time I've really felt like I'm growing up. Or, not necessarily growing up, but that I've consciously noticed growth, in whichever direction you want to call it. I've been through two relationships, both failed and yet so completely different that they've taught me so much about myself and both my strengths and weaknesses, and I feel, directly contributed to my decision about a potential third relationship. Even though that decision hurt both me and the other party involved a great deal, I feel like I am a better person for it. Maybe not happier in the short-term sense of the word, but a much less selfish and more mature person. I've also come to terms with myself more and have better self-esteem and know what I want and what I'm willing to put up with more, though I still have difficulties really standing up for what I want. I'm sure this sounds really funny, as I'm one of the most direct, loud people there are, but I really am afraid of conflict and confrontations (unless I'm in one of those REALLY angry, ridiculous moods). I can't actually express my anger or discontent at people very effectively, which is a problem both in my personal life and professional, especially newspaper. I knew exactly what was wrong with both of my relationships and I could tell everyone and their mother about it, but I couldn't tell it to the person that I was having the problem with, or even when I tried, couldn't stand my ground enough to not have them walk all over me and think that I was wrong even when I clearly wasn't. I also need to learn on breaking up with people better, or be willing to do so instead of either avoiding the issue or hoping it'll get better magically when it clearly won't and I wouldn't even want it to in the first place. And it doesn't matter how much someone likes you and how great of friends you are, if you don't feel that way about them, you shouldn't mess with them or yourself.

I've also started running a newspaper by myself, which has been one of the most challenging and stressful things in my life. It hasn't gone nearly as smoothly as I can hope; frankly, it's been kind of a disaster zone, but I've got lots of things to work on and hope to improve, like keeping one of my staff members and finding another replacement. Bah. But I promised I wouldn't think about this until the new year, and I won't. But it's been a really interesting experience. High stress, and as I keep telling myself, high reward.

Other things I've done this year... spent more than $100 at the mall in one day, owned heels (three pairs of four inch ones, at that), worn heels on a semi-regular basis, owned a makeup kit (haven't used it yet... it was a Christmas present), sung in a choir, had a roommate (and loved it), cooked for people... I need to look back and see what else I've done. All these things are within the past month or two.

2010 is going to be a very momentous year, I'm sure. I'll have to decide my major. I'll be halfway done with my college career, which is terrifying. I'll have to decide where I'm studying abroad, which will probably cause a conflict with the parental unit and dictate a lot of what I'm going to do later. I'll have to say goodbye to one of the best friends I've ever made, the person who understands me better than almost anyone in the shortest period of time ever. I'll complete my tenure as editor-in-chief, hopefully still alive and with the newspaper still in one piece. I'll hopefully do an internship. And I'm sure there's much more. I can't wait to see. :)

Tim Clark is here asking Florian for French help, and Florian and I became embroiled in our classic Dickinson v. Keats battle (monkey sounds included). I then decided to ask Tim his opinion. Florian took a pen and held it to Tim's throat. Tim took one quick glance at it and then looked at me, "He has a sharp object at my throat."
I took one look at him, smiled beatifically but menacingly, and said slowly, "Tim. I don't need a sharp object."

:D