PUDDING VICKI! PUDDING!

Alright.
Time for Rant #2:
Inspiration:
Dreams we have as kids all fade away
-Danny Jones; McFly; "Don't Know Why"

So we all have dreams. Dreams about boys (Danny). Dreams about the future. Dreams about the impossible. Dreams about just about everything.
Most of the dreams don't come true and as each one fades away another one takes its place.
The dreams we have spring from our desires. What makes the loss of one dream so much more painful than another? Was it the fact that we always knew it was impossible? I don't think so. I didn't think it was possible that Camron would ever like me. Not one chance in a billion years. I am finally completely over it and I really do mean that, Kathleen, who never reads this anyway but just for the record. I knew he'd never like me, ever, but it still really really really hurt when he did some of the things he did or said some of the things he said. You'll argue that, "Well Elaine. There was a chance that Camron might have gotten hit on the head really hard and liked you. That's why it still hurt. It doesn't hurt that Steven Gerrard is getting married in three months does it?" *sniff sniff* He is not getting married damn it. Back on topic, wow. This wasn't even the direction I was going in my head so you could probably just ignore what I just wrote.
So this was originally inspired by a conversation Michael and I had about dreams. I was having serious England withdrawal problems that night and he just was being Michael.
It hurts the most to realize that your dreams aren't all that you made them out to be.
For example, England isn't as perfect as it is in my head, and I know that. But the difference isn't night and day (I hope) and a part of me does fear that. What I've wanted my entire life, living in England, if/when it actually does come true, it won't be what I dreamed it to be. That might be a good thing as in the difference was good, but what if I hate it? What then? The disillusionment that people go through when their dreams are shattered can break them.
I don't even know what my point is here. I'm just in a weird, contemplative, quiet (yes I know elaine quiet) mood.

Alright so lately I've been weird. And yes it has been embodied in McFly, to the annoyance of you all. I don't know what it is but I've been having this extremely independent streak. When my mom drives me somewhere I wish I could be driving. I wish I could just get in and go wherever I want to go whenever I want to. I wish I didn't have to answer to anyone or be connected and tied down. That leads to the whole England thing. I really want to be in college, but I know that when high school ends I'll sob my eyes out and miss it forever.
On Saturday I spent the night at Vicki's house. Yes that's two weekends in a row. My mom was complaining about driving me since she lives in Orange.
mom: First there's Matthew. Now you have another English person. At least Matthew lived close.
me: Well if you don't want to drive me, you could always just buy a plane ticket to London Heathrow for me. And I'll make it easy for you: ONE WAY.
mom freaks out: WHAT?! Are you SERIOUS? What's wrong with you? Do you seriously want to go that bad? Would you come back?
me: Nope. Why would I come back?
mom: What?! But how will you live?
me: *shrug* I'll get a job.

Yeah she freaked out after that. Elaine volunteering to get a job is something unheard of. She's afraid to let me go to England now. She thinks I'll never come back.

I just don't want to be here. I don't know why. Raging hormones or what. I just want something new, something more. I want to be on my own (eponine!). It's probably just a phase and I'll get through it. When I do get my license and stuff, I'll probably miss it. But then again, my dad still wouldn't let me go anywhere anyways.

Remember when we scratched our names into the sand
And you told me you loved me
But now that I find
You've changed your mind
I'm lost for words
Everything I feel for you I wrote down on one piece of paper
The one in your hand
You won't understand
How much it hurts to let you go

Was I invading in on your secrets?
Was I too close for comfort?
You're pushing me out when I wanted in
What was I just about to discover
I got too close for comfort
Driving you home
Guess I'll never know

Yes Elaine's favorite song.