legovanan
"Let him remember us as we once were."

That is from Ben-Hur, when his mother and sister didn't want him to see them as they were infected by leprosy and defigured.

I think I understand that now; not the physical disfiguration, but why memories are sometimes the best things to hold on to. People change, sometime for the better, sometime for the worse, and though you can't predict it, your relationship changes along with it. But after an extended amount of time without them, and then suddenly seeing and knowing them again is a shock, and in some cases you wish you hadn't done it. Because the "new" person they are diminishes the joy and dearness (for lack of a better word) the memories you shared together held. It's hard to remember people for what they were when you loved them when you see what they have now become. I mean, I'm not talking about drug addicts or criminals; I'm talking about kids I grew up with, kids I knew everything about. People I spent every day with; people I fought with, argued with, laughed with, screamed at, hugged.

Anyway, before I keep going on, this relates to Isaac's party last night. I think it's really illuminating on the difference between Camron and I. I took him home, and on the car ride back, this is what he said:
"Ah. I had totally forgotten all that I'm missing out on by not going to Ayala until I went to that party," he mused longingly, "I wish I were there."
I responded mentally, "After going to that party and seeing what I'm missing out on, I'm glad I didn't go to Ayala."

It was amazing. There were kids I knew from preschool, like Isaac, and then kids I knew from the 2nd grade, Matt, John, Isaac again, Roshi, Ashraf, all the way to 6th grade. Then add junior high, Camron, Andres, Nicole, Brian. Now high school, there's only Camron. Such a small world, yet so many divisions.

They were probably the same general type of people they were 9 months ago, but they were so different to me. I knew their names, their faces, their basic personalities, but they weren't my friends that I remembered. I knew not to expect that, but it shocked me how far apart we've grown. I know I've changed as well, but it scares me how just after nine months, we're so far apart. They play Xbox, gamble over poker, talk about the most perverted things in human nature. They did some of that in junior high, and I was always the shocked girl who they told to "Go read", but we still got along. Maybe its just that I haven't heard it all in so long that coming back to it is somewhat of a shock. But now, I don't want that. I used to crave their friendships and belonging with them, and I still do; I miss them, but now, I'm disgusted at what they do and say. I don't feel superior to them, but I feel as if they are another world; one that I am barred from by my own choice and not regretful of it.
Then there's what Mrs. Miller said, "Well, the true test of friendship is how far apart you guys can be, but still be friends." Maybe that is the true test. Kathleen and I didn't go to the same school since the 1st grade, but we're still closer than anyone could be. I get along w/ Olivia, Sydney, and especially Elsa, and she lives in Tennessee. Connie is still one of my bestest friends, but it just saddens me that, with the exception of Kathleen, neither Elsa nor Connie have been people that I hung out with. I mean, I knew Connie in 7th grade from bball, but we became close in ASB and basketball in 8th grade, and Elsa I spent 3 weeks with, and have known for a year maybe, but I feel like I've known them forever. But with those guys that I've grown up with, it was like, "Who are you?" Maybe its the constant contact through the computer.
What frightens me the most is I'm losing the memories I had of my friends. And what will happen in the future? I won't know them. How many friends will I lose over the years? ::sigh:: ARGH. I have tears in my eyes. I think half of it is listening to the Braveheart Soundtrack that Elsa gave me (hannon le mellon nin!) and hearing the bagpipes and tin whistles and remembering the UK and remembering those memories, the other part remembering my friends from the past, and regretting our schisms now.
Reminisce. Regret. I think those two words go hand in hand.