It's sad that I actually look forward to SAT class every week. It's the one time of the week that I see my friends. Cynthia, Kim, Stephenie. We might be all suffering under the freezing air conditioning and hearing Mr. Xu's FOB accent or Veena's annoying shrill, but it's still fun. Mad dashes for Gushers. Ordering pizza while taking the math test like we did today. Make me be the one to get in trouble with Helen, why don't you Cynthia.

*sigh*
I can't wait for school to start. My dad keeps complaining that I waste time every day and that I'm gradually slipping because I'm not willing to put in the work. Doesn't he understand that I don't want to work because I'm cooped up in this house in front of the bloody computer all day long? I'd work better if I got to do something else once in a while. And seriously, what is there to work on? Even I can't come up with that stuff. It's always, "study, study study." To my dad, it's either I'm studying or I'm wasting time. What can I do? I did six Oracle journals in one day because I seriously had nothing else to do. Six, 2 page long articles, because I really had nothing else to do. Bio. I read bio. I do calc. I do SAT homework the night I get it because I have nothing else to do.

And then reading. We've had some battles over reading. It's not that I read, but what I read. I hide "New Moon" in the bathroom because it's not Herodotus' Histories that I'm supposed to be reading.

And then music. I always have the music on. My dad always yells, "No listening to music while you're working!"
I can't say, "I'm not working!" because that would have worse consequences than just turning the music off.

It's just so annoying. Being told to work and having nothing to work on, yet not allowed to do anything else.

OMG! So I'm sitting here typing this and my dad comes over, "What are the plans for tomorrow?"
I'm like, "I have to go meet Jeremy at Borders at 1 PM. To get the Les Mis DVD."
"Why can't he just mail it?"
(I don't want my dad to know that it's $20 because then I wouldn't be allowed to get it.)
"Because!"
"Alright, I'll go meet him."
"NO DAD! I'm going! You don't even know what he looks like!"
"Oh is this a BOYFRIEND?"
"OMFG. NO!!! THAT IS DISGUSTING!!!!!!"
"Does he WANT to become your boyfriend? Is this a date?"
"OMG I'M JUST GOING TO STOP BY. GIVE HIM THE MONEY AND GET THE DVD!"
"WHAT? IT COSTS MONEY?!"

OY! LIKE I'D BRING HIM ALONG AT 1 PM AT BORDERS TO GO ON A DATE.
OMFG

And then I just realized what the date is and that just sent another wave of scrutinizing friendships and the past. What life was like only a year ago. I was probably covered in markers and color pencils this moment last year.
Eddie and I were just talking about Camron and that made me remember Camron's whole "you're just a vent and we don't need you anymore" speech. That hurt more than you could possibly imagine. Having Camron, of all the people in the world, tell me that. Except, I think, of all the people in the world, he would be the only one with enough cheek to say something like that.

And then there's:
*andy signs on*
me: hi
andy: hey
me: you busy?
andy: yeah. but my sister's officially a princess!
(as in Eva's in a beauty pageant)
me: go eva!
andy: yup, but I really do have a lot of work.
me: okay, ttyl

I understand. I really do. It's just me being paranoid again. I don't know. Why am I so afraid of loss and change? I really need to listen to Elsa when she tells me, "Just let go. Alright commie, let it go." They're just shoes. I know. They're just shoes. But they're NESSA'S SHOES.
Alright away from that Wicked example. But I mean, I know he's busy, and I completely understand, and I know what Andy's like under stress and procrastination, but what worries me is that Troy's not even started and I haven't talked to him in like... ever. Yes yes I know, we'll be fine. Can't I just freak out for now? I want to feel sorry for myself. Bloody hell.
And then last night Andy told me he found my college replacement. He was completely joking, and I should be able to laugh and take it as a joke, but it just hit at my fear and got to me. Bah. Andy's probably reading this now. Great. Just loverly.
I think it's just because I've lost so many relationships in the past year. I'm ultra-paranoid.

ARGH! STOP TELLING ME TO GO TO BED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M SIXTEEN! I CAN HANDLE THIS.
That's it. "Too Close For Comfort"'s coming on.

With less than a week left, everyone wants to hang out. And I feel horrible. I want to hang out with everyone, but I'm not allowed to hang out with EVERYONE, because that means I would be out all week. And obviously, that is not allowed. I don't even know if I'm allowed out once. It's just a bloody great waste of time. If I say that it's the last week of summer, I'll get the counter argument of, "Exactly. School's starting. That means you should take advantage of these last couple days to study as much as possible. You'll get to see your friends all day every day when school starts. Why hang out with them now?"
Jen and Kristina want to go to Knotts. Knotts takes all day. I'll never be able to talk my dad into that. And if I do then there's, "Why waste the money?" But I haven't seen Kristina all summer except at orientation, and Jen's been gone for a while. The Evil Circle has not been complete.
Kathleen wants to go see "Step Up", and Robin wants to hang out too. Why would I want to go to the movies? The movies nowadays are all just pieces of trash, and it costs money.
I've been asking to go to Vicki's every freakin day for the past four weeks. Let's ask again, shall we?
I want to hang out with everybody, but that's what happens when your friends aren't friends. I can't just lump Vicki, Kathleen, Robin, Jen, and Kristina all together and go to Knotts or something. Robin, Kathleen, Vicki, and I would probably shriek about McFly for half the day; Jen, Kristina, Vicki, and I would shriek about Twilight for the other half, and then Jen and Kristina would just cling together all day, and then Robin and Kathleen would group together and I'd probably end up talking to Vicki all day and ignore everyone else just because that's what usually happens.
And then I make my dad sound so horrible on here, and he's really not. Things aren't too expensive because he doesn't want to spend the money, but because the money could be better used on other things. He just doesn't understand. And none of my friends could possibly understand him, so then everyone just gets offended.
I know it's more fun with just the Evil Circle, just me and Vicki at 3 AM with "projectile diarrhea", just Kathleen, Andy, Robin, and me doing something stupid. Hah the bus people. What bus people? Andy's gone, obviously. Kathleen and Robin apparently can't turn in a form by a deadline and are on waiting list. Great. Just chipper. Leave me on the bus with freshmen and Matthew. I assume Matthew's taking the bus because he doesn't have his license. Great... maybe I'll talk to Michael Yang and get flipped off.

O yeah and I don't talk to Yogin much anymore either.

Vicki--can I just come over to your house and live there? Please? It's so much easier that way.

Now I'm watching Danny sing and jump on top of a grand piano. My existence is now complete once more.

How sad it is indeed.