legovanan
Two hours ago I was ready to just fall down and not get up again.
But I've been this low before and I will get back up.

You know how everyone thinks I'm completely weird, hyper, and over the top? I love being that. But the only way I've managed to keep that up is because I knew there were people it didn't matter to. I could be a totally moody b*tch one second and bouncing off the walls the other singing at the top of my lungs or reciting Elvish or screaming about Steven Gerrard and they still loved me.
It's really hard to do what Elaine is proud of, not care what other people think and just be outrageously crazy when you don't feel like you have those people anymore. At lunch and break I feel like I'm sitting with a bunch of strangers, but even worse because you can get to know strangers, develop a new friendship. I can't do that with them. They're sick of me. They're sick of the ups and downs and the jumping up and down and I don't know how to change. I don't want to change. So then insecurity pops in and I act like a total spaz. I'm not spoken to unless its ridicule and it's funny sometimes but when I'm having a bad day and am feeling totally insecure about my friendships it's really bad timing. I try and try with Camron. I try to forget what he said and be friendly but then he'll just say something else and I just totally want to wring his neck. It's even worse with Matthew. I try and try and try so hard to just get back to being friends and he doesn't seem like he wants anything to do with me except to call me lesbian with Robin. Yogin cares but it's just not the same. Robin and Ashley are awesome but I can't help being jealous of them half the time. I know they have their problems too but at least they belong at the lunch table. Matthew loves to talk to Ashley and Robin. Camron doesn't hate Ashley. They don't have to act like a total spaz. They can talk to them without formulating an insult.
I just feel if I weren't there someday no one would care. The two people I love hanging out with now are Vicki Leach and Hayley. I feel like I should just get new friends and sit somewhere else at lunch, but I don't want to give up on them. I don't want to start afresh because I remember what I had and I don't want to lose it, even though I probably already have.

Then I get home feeling like crap, hungry, and tired and my mom buys me a new backpack. I don't like it very much and my dad just starts railing at me. "HOW MANY TIMES HAVE WE BOUGHT YOU A NEW BACKPACK?! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO SPOILED AND PICKY? YOU'RE TURNING INTO ONE OF THOSE PLAYBOYS THAT JUST PICK THE HOT GIRL AND DUMP HER. (except the fact that I'm a girl) WHY ARE YOU SO SELFISH? DON'T YOU THINK OF ANYBODY?" I'm SORRY if my MOTHER just picks the freaking bargain bin and doesn't even realize who she's buying for. First she buys me a purple backpack that says AMERICAN PRINCESS on it. Then she comes home with a HOT PINK BACKPACK. And they don't understand why I don't like them.

And it's now 7:40 and I haven't started my homework yet and am in no mood to do it.
And to top it off, Michael Ball CD STILL NOT HERE YET.