legovanan
flipping hell. God I sound like an emo b*tch on here but o well.

My dad won't stop talking about AP computer science. He's calling one of his friends in Kansas who's a programmer and had me talk to her for half an hour. She didn't know how to answer my questions. Now we're on a worldwide hunt for a blooming tutor. I told him I'd just go and be a nerd at lunch at those CSUF things and that brings on the whole, "THEN WHY DIDN't YOU DO THAT LAST SEMESTER? I DON'T WANT YOUR FREAKIN PRIDE GETTING IN THE WAY! YOU need to learn how to ask for HELP!"
So now he's like, "We can go to UCLA and get a tutor."
I am not driving to UCLA every Saturday morning to go get help on freaking computer science. Now he wants a college student from Cal State Fullerton.
I know he's worried about me, but I really don't want to get into the whole AP CS thing.. GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WHY DIDN'T I MAKE THE BLOODY ORACLE LAST YEAR?!?
Then I went and read the chapter of statistics my dad told me to. Then I'm supposed to go to my mom's house. it's like 10:30, so my dad's like, "Eh.. it's too late. There's no point. Just stay here and study with me." So now I'm here. I love this house. This is MY house, but the problem is I never feel like I can relax here. I was talking on the phone with Ashley, which prompted my dad to drag me down for statistics problems because I was wasting my time. With all my homework in front of me, I feel like I should be doing it. I get yelled at for having music on because I'm supposed to be concentrating, but I can't tell my dad that I'm not actually working because then he'll assign work. I wonder if my dad's ever heard of a thing called burnout.
My dad just keeps saying, "It's really not that hard. If you understood the concept it'd be so easy. I don't believe computer science can be hard. You're just missing something. It has to be easy." How would he know?!!?!? I feel like a freakin imbecile..

I'm getting bombarded with letters from colleges. What's scary is that so far they're all tech schools, as CalTech was the first one to send me anything. CalTech. That's the SCARY SCHOOL. The future Nobel Prize winning kids go there. The people who are good at chemistry and physics. Not ME! I'm really honored and if I could get in I'd be shocked and astounded and totally flattered, but what?! So this prompts my dad to start worrying because if no liberal arts colleges are interested in me, it means I'm not going to college. His theory is that I'm not good enough for the tech schools, which I'm not, and I have no intention whatsoever of going to one because I would DIE, but if the liberal arts schools don't take me I'm totally screwed. This then prompted yelling at me for getting a lower score on the English PSAT than the math. That's really interesting because my dad was yelling at me the other day on how the math was WAY TOO LOW for me. What would that make my english scores?

I'm just ranting and raving about my dismal future right now.. yes I should be grateful for having a roof over my head and food to eat and a school to go to and not be dying in a mudslide in the Philippines. I am grateful, but gratitude is relative to its surroundings.

And you know what else is scary? If you wear a mask or put on an act for so long you don't remember how to take it off. I barely remember me and how I was before this whole debacle. I want to go back and I don't know how. I should just stop thinking.

I think the only reason why I sound so horrible on this blog is because I post at night and at night I get very pensive, which leads to depressing rants like this. That's probably why I write in the midst of the night as well..

Donald is funny. Talking to him about his 3 calculators right now. hehe