legovanan
I've held back tears for the entire day. Now.. let the floodgates open.
Just talked to Ashley on the phone for like two hours. Thanks to her for listening to me.

I'm still in a state of shock right now. Well depression has kinda set in as well. Yesterday was all pure shock.

I feel as if someone's cut off my arms and I can't stop the blood from flowing out and there's no one to stem the flow. I mean, he was the one I ran to if anything went wrong at all, with school, with my parents, with Camron, etc. When I cried he was the one who held me, not the one who made me cry.

I don't understand what went so wrong. I spent Spanish today looking through my planner and seeing all the different tests and matches and birthdays I'd written down, I went through every one to remember how it was then and when this big cafuffle started. I mean, eight months doesn't just fly out the window in a minute. What happened? All I can say is that he isn't the same guy I fell for. The old Matthew was a nice boy, who knew when to be hilariously funny and sarcastically mean and when to be kind and caring. There's enough jackasses around without him turning into one as well. Is it just me or is it sad when you can't remember the last time your bf said something nice to you? Or you don't remember the last time he called you and your phone doesn't even have it under Recent Calls anymore? Or when he doesn't talk to you unless you start talking to him, and he wants to spend all his time with a guy with a red dot on his head and a computer freak that cheats as a hobby? I appreciate the fact that he has his own friends, but I'd like to feel like I exist. What if your boyfriend never gave you a hug or a kiss or even touched you if you didn't give him a hug first?
And no I don't think I'm hallucinating because almost everyone I've talked to notes the difference. Maybe my domineering personality is damaging his ego or something. Nowadays he sits there and waits for an opportunity for him to diss someone, even Ashley. I mean, Robin, Royston, and me are pretty pathetic and easy to diss and everyone does it so that's not too out of the ordinary, but you've got to have some guts and some wit to try and insult people like Ashley. He tries so hard to be funny that he disregards the things that were the essence of his persona, or at least what I loved about him.

Maybe the problem was the lack of conflict. For example, Camron and I have had some pretty serious, nasty fights and "quiet" periods of time. Not like Camron and Elaine arguing about stupid stuff, like actual, I didn't think he'd ever speak to me again. I've been called "the most irresponsible person I've ever met" and other numerous things and I've called him some pretty bad things in return. Yet in the end, we always came out of it, and it made us stronger and it was something to laugh about on the bus in the morning. Matthew and I never fought, other than how much better Liverpool is than Everton and other nonsense like the French and the English. So when actual conflict arose, we couldn't deal with it. I wrote him that letter not like, "You have to either change or we're breaking up." I was communicating in the way I am most fluent, through writing. It was like a list of my grievances. I wanted to talk it out and figure out what was going on and what was wrong, but apparently he chose the easy way out and just cut it off. I still want to know what went wrong.

I can't even look at him without wanting to burst into tears, which obviously makes things a little awkward. During AP Euro, I forgot exactly what happened, but someone asked me if he was sexy or something, and I answered, "O yea... of course. No one better in the room." And Matthew has the nerve and sensitivity to tease, "ooo going for him now, are we?" I just stared at him; how could you even think of saying something like that to me right now? Do you not understand that I'm just trying not to cry?
On the bus ride home, there was a moment when he said something really funny and I laughed and our eyes met and for a second it was like we'd gone back to like... May. It was so beautiful and poignant that I had to hide behind the bus seats to hide my tears. The memories are rushing at me and I can't keep them back. I'm so glad it's the weekend. I already failed 2 quizzes and a chem test. Any more school days without a break I'd probably need to drop out of Troy.

Everywhere and everything reminds me. It's maddening. I can't look at Steven Gerrard without thinking of him or go onto the Liverpool website. My mom was telling me about some sale at Circuit City tomorrow morning that she's going to, and all I heard was "Circuit City" and my mind went, "haha Matthew's dad ran into the glass at Circuit City". In Spanish we were making Aztec calendars (basically another excuse for Spanish teachers not to teach and just make us color) and I colored the inside in my favorite color spectrum: sky blue, aqua, and purple with other shades of blue mixed in, and I had to stop coloring because all the colors reminded me of him and all the silly arguments we've had over the superiority of red over blue. I had tacos for dinner, and I thought of how he always orders chicken quesadillas at Chilis. I had Pepsi instead of Coke and I know how Matthew likes Dr. Pepper but not root beer.

I really should go to bed. I shall end with a quote Kristina probably loves, slightly altered so it fits more of an Elaine style, as the original words were too bland and unpoetic:
What do you do when the only person who can stop your tears is the one who made them flow?