Sometimes, I wish I wasn't so.. me-ish. Why am I so loud, obnoxious and rude? Why am I always "AHHH" in people's face? Why do I ALWAYS have to have the spotlight? Why do I almost always have to be the best? (I'll yield to Jesse in some things) Or at least, why do I always have to feel like I'm the best? Why can't I be kind, complacent, and.. quiet? Why can't I be like Jane Xie who sits in the corner quietly, is so freakin smart but never feels the need to let that be known, and smiles sweetly whenever addressed?
I hate myself sometimes. Bottom line: Why am I such an egotistical bitch?
Just so many relationships that have fallen part, are falling apart, and so many faces that I see so much every day that I can't stand. It seems like I'm bitching more and more lately about people, and maybe it's probably me. When everyone seems to hate you, maybe it's your problem. I say all the wrong things at all the wrong times to all the wrong people. And I say it very loudly and shrill-ly. I was so comfortable in my classes last year. I had Shayne. I had Vicki. I had Amy. I had Yogin. I had Jesse. And then outside I had Andy, Robin, Kathleen. Then I got cast into the pit of lions. Sayak is great but really opinionated and judgemental. Anita. Oy. And then Oracle. It's so hard in there. I try so freakin hard. Winston intimidates the beejesus out of me. All the editors but Kathleen and Crystal stare at me like I'm insane. I get SO tongue-tied this year so easily. And then it just comes out sounding really stupid and then people like Sayak, Anita, or Jon will say something to make it even more stupid.

Sometimes, I wish I never said anything. If I never say anything, nothing bad will ever happen. I don't care what people think. Okay, I say that, and a lot of times, I really don't give a damn what most people think. But this year, it's driving me insane. Especially with certain teachers. Dickey. Hinman. Yes I am arrogant and yes I will say that I should rule those classes. Dickey knows of my existence because he keeps tripping over me because I sit right next to him. And because I randomly spurt out with answers, but even they sound really stupid. Hinman just thinks I'm an arrogant, pompous airhead. I resent that last bit. Yes, I am a suckup. Get over it. I have serious problems when teachers don't like me, especially teachers that SHOULD like me. If I had Shayne with me in Hinman, it would be so freakin different. I could actually get a thought out that doesn't sound stupid. Hinman tolerates me and only likes me because I'm one of the four people who speak in that class. Lambert likes me because I have a good grade. Koci likes me to make fun of me. Dickey knows my existence. Menna loves me. Nav knows of my existence. Kirkpatrick knows me as the one who says stupid things and everyone glares at.

I swear, sometimes I just make up my mind. "I'm not going to be loud. I'm not going to be loud. Just for break. Just for break. I'm not going to be loud and obnoxious." Well one, if I'm not, people think I'm severely depressed. Two, it's very hard for me. Just start talking about McFly or something.

WHY AM I SO "BALHASDLGIASDG"??? As Andy coined it

ALRIGHT I'M BEING INSECURE. Don't get used to it. I'll be back to my arrogant bitchy ways within a few seconds.