It's frightening how quiet it can get all of a sudden. Comforting at times. Frightening at others.
Nobody believes me, but I really do like the quiet and solitude. Sometimes. When I'm home alone, I go for hours without saying a word. I usually have music playing, but I dont' really consider that an interruption to my silence, but a part of it. Recently, I've taken to just lying on my bed, with McFly or without playing, depending on the mood, and just daydreaming.
And when I'm writing, I can't TAKE noise. At all. I sign off AIM. I don't care who you are. Even Elsa and Vicki, the two people I would pretty much sacrifice a lot to talk to/spend time with, and are usually always chosen if I had to pick who to talk to or something (I sound so snooty there, but I don't mean it like that. Let's say two people call at the same time. You know you all do it. Everyone has a pecking order in their friends.) Even those two would succumb, not to someone, but to something. When I'm writing, the AIM closes, the cell phone shuts off, even the itunes turns off. I even get mad at my dad for talking to me. My head is just somewhere else, hearing some other music that is so divinely beautiful that I can't convey it onto paper. It reminds me of what Allie said in the Notebook about painting, "Usually I've got all these thoughts bouncing around in my head, but with a brush in my hand, the world just gets kinda quiet."
I guess we all have something like that.
I haven't written in a long time...

But then there are other times when the silence is a scary sound. (Haha I know) I've been online for hours and the entire day I was more or less talking to Michael and Elsa. Talked to Tasha and Riley on the phone, and Elsa for long periods. Yogin came on for too brief a time, which made me sad, and then left. Andy too. And then I've been talking to Eddie (we were being two old farts together. I mean seriously, what two other teenagers would discuss how to rear children at 1 AM? We rock Eddie.), and then he just signed off. And the world just got really quiet for me. And it was a little scary. I didn't know what to do with myself. So I came here to talk to myself.
What are the three things that humans are most afraid of in the end? In no particular order:
not being loved
loneliness
death

But mostly the first two, on a daily basis at least. Most people don't sit there and contemplate death and aren't afraid of it until it becomes a serious reality.

But those first two, aren't they basically the same thing? Or at least, the first leads to the second. If you're not loved, you don't have friends or romantic liasons and that's why you're lonely. It's a horrible thing, loneliness. It consumes the person from within as they try to fight against it, to find some love, some friendship and compassion to cling onto. But one by one, the doors shut, the lights turn off, and all you're left with are your thoughts and your loneliness. And you sit there in the dark wondering why all those people you loved, or wanted to love, turned away from you. And all your other failures in life, your grades, your work, disappointment, insecurity, they all pile on until you crumble beneath them into a shell of what you once were. So then you go and you try to find all these different ways to keep yourself from dwelling upon your failure. Some people eat. Some people play video games. Some people go and find prostitutes, indulging in the physical pleasure to take away from the pain (I'm sorry Michael but it's true). Others go shopping. Other people do the opposite, cutting themselves, as if concentrating on the physical pain would take away from the emotional pain. Other people, like me, immerse themselves into other worlds, other events, far away from where I am now. Football. McFly. Middle-Earth. European history, particularly Tudor England. Anything. I get so wrapped up in them, their lives, their stories, that I don't have to think about my own story, my own life. So everyone has their "escape mode". I can believe what I want to believe. I can see what I want to see. I can dream what I want to dream.

So what's wrong with that?

And here comes Andy to tear down my beautiful, if farcical, wall of dreams. Andy, who is the one person who can always tell me the most honest, poignant truth that always makes me cry because I know it's so true and I don't want to hear it.
I can almost hear him saying it. Everyone has their escape plan and it's okay to indulge in it, to get away from the world once in a while, but there's a certain point. If you pass it then you're going too far, becoming delusional and disconnected with the world, losing touch with what's really important. Video games. Food. Hot English lads. That's all very nice. But in the end, it's your friends that truly help you, that comfort you when you need it, that are the shoulders you cry on, that are the arms that hold you. So you can't forget that.

But hey.. I can have friends and dreams, can't I?
I'm a greedy little girl. :)

Alright it's like 2 AM. SLEEP