I am a bit pissed off right now, and only the 55 Backstreet Boys songs and 5 music videos I have on my ipod are keeping me anywhere near sanity.

So Ashley got her driver's license. Do you know how I know? because ROBIN told me. Not Ashley. Not someone who counts herself as one of my best friends and someone who counted me as one of her best friends. She didn't call me. She hasn't called me in weeks. Maybe she thought I was in Japan still, but that just shows it even more. She didn't know when I was getting back. Kathleen, Andy, Yogin, Elsa, people I know that really care about me, they all knew exactly when. I mean I'm glad she FINALLY got with him. I want her to be happy, but I also don't like to feel abandoned. Is it the lot of the best friend to spend almost every day for a year, an average of an hour a day talking about him with her, and when she gets with him, be ignored from day one? She didn't even want to tell me! Sigh. I probably should have taken it as a sign when I slept over at her house that night and she ignored me from 10 PM-1 AM because she was on the phone with him. I'm sorry Elsa for doing that to you around Christmas!!!! Remind me never to do that to anyone, because it really sucks ass. O yeah and I'm sorry to Kathleen and everyone else if I ignored you when I was with Matthew. I want her to be happy and I'm so happy that she is but I don't want to lose my friend! I just don't believe that she can't take 5 minutes out of her time with him to talk to me or something. I don't want to call her all the time because I know they need space and time by themselves, but if I don't try and she won't try, what's going to keep it from dying?

And then I want to smash someone else's face in. No one's ever cussed at me before. I still can't believe it. I just want to hit him really hard and then never have to see him again, never have to think about him ever again. Argh I wish I could just hit like the banish button in my head and shut that door once and for all. Why can't I?!

O yeah and then I know I don't fit in with my old friends and that depresses me too. Isaac invited me to his party next week, and while I'm really excited at this opportunity to see my old friends, I'm also sad because I know, especially from last year, that I won't fit in and the saddest thing is, I don't want to fit in with them.

At my birthday party, Isaac said I've changed. Ashley says I have to. She doesn't notice the difference because she's been with me all this time, but she knows that if someone hasn't seen me in a while and then sees me, I'm really different. Looking back, I think I am too. Isaac says I'm crazier and Ashley says I've become "more Elaine. Just you've taken who you were and gone more extreme with it." I kinda agree. I think I've become more "extreme, crazy Elaine" because I'm more comfortable with the people around me, and more comfortable with who I am. In junior high, I was so unhappy because I didn't feel like I was accepted. I didn't feel like I fit in, and I didn't, most of the time. I used to be plagued, as this blog will show, by doubts, "Are they just my friends because I'll do their hw for them?" They'd laugh at things I wouldn't find funny, so they'd just make fun of me. Now I've mostly found a group of people I can scream and sing and jump up and down and dance in the rain and hug and laugh and cry with. I feel absolutely comfortable with them, well most of the time, and thus I can be crazy. I can be Elaine. My outlook changed from, "Do they really like me?" to "If they don't like me, that's their problem." Obviously, people who don't like me still irritate me a bit, because I don't understand why and I don't like it when people don't like me, but I've realized that those aren't the people I care about. It just sucks when people you care about hate you.

*sigh* I love the Backstreet Boys. I think I'll have them playing at my funeral too. I'll be buried with my BSB CDs. I need a Brian poster. That's what I need. That and a Rent poster.
*sigh* I love Brian Littrell.. I just found the song he sang to his wife at their wedding on limewire but it WON'T DOWNLOAD!!!!!!! I WANNA HEAR!! I can so imagine myself there if I wanted to! Yes I am pathetic!
I didn't know I took 150 pictures in Japan. I've been having fun naming them.
I thought I escaped the horrible thoughts and depressing emotions. Japan lifted them off for like a week, but with school pending, they're all coming crashing down on me again.