I miss my friends.

Very general, defining statement. Tis my thesis, if you will, though it is not often that I stay on course in a blog rant. True, it is not often that I stay on course in any rant, leading to the theory of the squirrel attention span that Michael has so formulated and propogated to the world.

To support my thesis, I now offer this shocking statement that most of you will not believe:
I, Elaine, do not talk for about 45 minutes every morning.

Yes, I will make the claim, that the bus is quiet in the morning. Wouldn't Andy love to be on the bus now, with the peace, quiet, and utter lack of Elaine-ness? He could sleep, something he's probably doing right now, as I just read his latest blog entry.

I miss Andy.

I took the afternoon bus for the first time this year today. We sat in the very back, and it was so wrong. It wasn't Charles, Matt Alcasid, David, Jay, Isabelle, etc. But that wasn't even it, even before we got on the bus, I was so utterly lonely sitting at the bus stop, I wanted to cry. But then Robin turned up. :) I sat there thinking of Ronan Keating and Kate Rusby's "All Over Again", which was the song of the day (the current music reflects the mood: "Losing You" and "Over Now" by Busted). But yeah, on the bus, it was me, Michael Yang, Jackie, Matthew, Chris G, and David Lim. We played charades. Matthew and I acknowledged each other's existences, and he even spoke directly at me, informing me that he is going to a pub to watch the derby tomorrow, which, by the way, I wish I could watch. It really sucks to read that Steven Gerrard angles a nice drive just wide and never see it. But anyway, it was just so strange. It wasn't the utter quiet of the mornings, but it was even more strange to laugh and talk with these people. I almost wish I didn't take the bus, but then the other side of me that is always present and really irritates me came in, that hopeful side of me that always pretends that if I just wish long and hard enough, and keep to the status quo long enough, that things will go back to the way they were. It's kind of like Bella's insistence on staying at Forks in "New Moon". If she just clings on long enough and hard enough, it'll come back. (I'm trying not to spoil "New Moon" for Elsa.)

I don't know what was worse. Pretending Matthew doesn't exist or actually laughing and having fun on the bus with him. I mean, it wasn't like we were best friends and all was well, but it was just like, we were playing charades and David assigned him to my "team", and when something funny happened, we all laughed, and it was just... odd.

But today made me realize just how much I miss Andy. If I turned on Ryan Cabrera's "I Will Remember You", I know I'd start bawling, and since I have to go downstairs to eat in about 10 minutes, that would not be advisable. But then again I'm a masochist, so I'll bet anyone $5 that by the time I finish ranting, that song will be playing.
Back to the topic (see.. I can't stay on a subject. Squirrel), I just really want it all back. I want my friends back. Oy. Why does everything tie back into the "table"? All my issues I swear, are centered around that table. I swear, I am the only remnant of the table. No offense to Michael or Yogin, but they didn't always sit there. That wasn't... the table to them for the most part. It's like... time for Elaine's bad analogies.. it's like... we were a village in Europe in the 14th century. Stressed, tired, but happy, together, laughing, healthy (as in our relationships were healthy). Then the Plague came through, and the Plague here represents many factors: college, change in general, breakups, misunderstandings, me, my ego, and the stupid things I've done that no one even knows about, but yeah the Plague comes through, and almost all of the population except for me is decimated. And now it's like.. an empty village, with a few new inhabitants (Shayne, Vicki), a few lingering inhabitants who wander from "village" to "village" (Robin), someone who tries too hard to make me smile, and someone who feels like he has no where else to go. I mean I love them all and it's great and we have good fun, but I just sometimes wish I could have Andy, Matthew, Robin, back.

The bus, that picture that Kathleen drew for Andy's leaving present, the four of us. The bus quartet. I don't know. I always knew it wouldn't be the same. Obviously Andy won't come back, but I never imagined that it would just be me. I thought it would be 3/4 and now it's 1/4. I'm so desperate. My dream last night was about Robin getting a bus pass and how I cried from happiness when it happened. I dreamt about Robin getting a bus pass. Not Danny or even the derby. Robin getting a bus pass. That's how sad it is.

I guess I just miss my friends.