Great, now I feel sad again.
Thanks Elsa and Andy.
And McFly, sensing my mood, told shuffle to turn on "Not Alone" out of the 2600 songs I have.

I miss Vicki.
I miss England.

O great... Elaine has a quote for everything, doesn't she?
This time it's from Anakin.

"There is no greater misery than to remember, with bitter regret, a day when you were happy."

Especially if you didn't realize then that you were happy. O here comes another quote:
I remember one morning getting up at dawn, there was such a sense of possibility. You know, that feeling? And I remember thinking to myself: So, this is the beginning of happiness. This is where it starts. And of course there will always be more. It never occurred to me it wasn't the beginning. It was happiness. It was the moment. Right then.

I tell myself to stop dwelling on the past, as if you keep thinking about that, you'll never make more memories, happy memories. Just like that other quote (I'm quoting a lot today), "When one door closes, another opens, but if you spend so much time dwelling at the closed one, you never see the open one."
Ew that was wordy. I'll rephrase that someday.
But Elsa was talking about NASCAR, and brought up Liverpool. She was like, "I want a NASCAR suit (Thing whatever it is I don't know Elsa. Dont' hurt me.) and you should get an official football outfit and then we'll go around parading it and people will stare at us." I was like, "I already have the socks (thanks to Elsa) and the jersey.
All I need are the short shorts and the cleats and those are cheaper than the $100 jersey."
"You spent 100 bucks on something?!"
"No not me..."

And that took us down that entire path. The locked, bolted, slammed shut, cemented over door that doesn't even exist anymore. Plant a tree in front of it, cement over it, no one will know it's there until some archaeologist decides to excavate that particular area 2000 years from now. Or until I decide to think about it.

And then I was looking at the pictures on my desk, the picture of my entire "group" on the England trip laughing at Bath. Sydney. Olivia. Taylor. Garrick. Duncan. Nick. That was a happy time. I haven't seen any of them since, except Olivia on a few occasions. And Elsa, of course, who is unfortunately, not in the picture.
It's like all of these friendships are these delicate threads, woven together to form this tapestry, but no one ever said how easily each of those threads could be cut. I talked to Sydney the other day because I saw her come online for like an instant. We talked for like three minutes and she was like, "I g2g. We'll have to hang out sometime. Organize a date where we can all meet the Ontario Mills or something."
And I know it probably will never happen. We're all so busy. SAT class. Tennis. Badminton. Vacation. Weddings and ordinations in England. Rehearsal. Internships. All these things clash and sooner or later, we all lose touch.
I still got so many unsaid things that I wanna say
Wow my itunes REALLY knows what to play...

What really really bothers me is when it's not time and distance that drag you apart, but your own will. People I see every day. Or would if we were at school that is, who are too wrapped up in their own worlds or too haughty or popular to talk to you. People who said they were best friends and then ignore you with nothing like an explanation whatsoever. I'm excited going into the next school year, but I'm afraid as well. Most of my friends aren't taking the same classes as me, and I mean some of them I'm not worried, like Jen and Kristina, as I haven't had classes with them like ever, except one each in freshman year, but we still find a way to hang out somehow, even though it's hard. But people like Kathleen. I'll have Oracle with her, so we'll probably be okay, but we don't talk anymore. I don't really think about it, because I don't really worry about us. Our friendship is like a cockroach. It survives everything. But I haven't talked to her in a while either. We kinda both have our own lives, our own friends, and we just overlap once in a while.
The notebook is a very good idea. Not the movie, though that is awesome as well, but what Vicki and I do. We have a notebook and we write in it throughout the day and leave it in each other's classes. It's a good way to keep in touch (and not pay attention in class) and overcome the obstacles of evil class schedules.
And Andy. He won't even be there. I know. I know. We'll keep in touch. LA isn't that far away. He'll come visit, but it's not the same and you know it. Time and distance really do kill friendships. Your friendship doesn't stay the same if you just leave it. You have to spend time with someone for the familiarity, for the inside jokes that truly make a friendship, to come. I mean just look at me and Vicki. When was that Euro project assigned? That's the first time I went to her house. We were getting closer before that, mostly due to not knowing how to do comp sci together, but it was just that. She was my comp sci buddy. But then that Euro project was assigned and I spent 3 nights at her house in 3 weeks, and we're best friends now. Andy and me too. When I went to Canyon Hills, we spent 2 hours a week together, instead of every day going to the same school, but we were arguably closer. Because those two hours was just me and him and our paintings. It wasn't like we had our calculus tests next period, McFly on the ipod, and everything else that was going on.
I know how you all give me the whole time and distance are the true tests of friendship thing, and if a friendship dies then it wasn't strong enough. Even if that's true, just because it wasn't a "strong" friendship doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to let it go.
I almost believe it when I say I don't give a damn about Camron and Ashley anymore. In truth, I'm almost happy, because it's freed up my time and allowed me to be closer with friends such like Robin and Yogin, and allowed me to make the best friend of Vicki. I mean those are my three closest friends (and Elsa.. can't forget you dearie), but when I drive by Camron's house to pick up Royston and he's outside and he doesn't even bother to talk to me, it still hurts a bit.

Then Elsa got me thinking about Matthew. I don't even know what I can say about that anymore. All the words and tears are used up. It's like with the England trip, it was nice while it lasted, though invariably I have more regrets about Matthew than about England.

I don't know.. I just feel so alone, even though I know I'm not.
I need something to do with my life. ARGH why is there no football on?

"Photo" by Ryan Cabrera
"Photograph" by Nickelback

Two very good songs that are currently on repeat